Love & Happiness: The Ultimate Choice- Pt. 2

LOVE...

I've been single for two years now. The last relationship that I was in really taught me a lot. The most important thing I learned was that I was not ready for love and a serious commitment.
From the time I was small, I've been obsessed with marriage and motherhood. I just knew that by the time I was this age (25) that I would be a wife and mother! I came from a relatively big family and that's what our women do. By 21, you're a mother living life in the real world. So as soon as I got my first boyfriend at 15, I jumped all in. Losing my virginity and being completely committed to him.
I wanted so badly to have a child, but that didn't work out. That depressed me because I felt as though that I was being denied the Ultimate Love: that from a child to its mother. I mean, crackheads have six and seven kids! All I wanted was one. So I started on my quest to find the ultimate love.

Step One: Find a guy and fall in love.

I bounced around from guy to guy for a couple years. So naive. I wore my heart on my sleeve and gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. I figured everybody wanted love. Why deny me? They never did love me. They loved what I could do for them...sexually. With each rejection came more devastation, deeper depression, lower self-esteem, and a stronger sense of desperation. At 18, I met and fell in love with my ex-fiance, we'll call him Owner. When we met I was a mess! I had dropped out of my senior year of high school, my father relapsed after years of sobriety, and after trying with a few guys I still hadn't become pregnant. I felt like there was something poisoning about me. Owner was the first guy to notice that I constantly kept my head down and carried myself with an overbearing sadness. He built up my confidence. He looked out or my health and my sanity. He also wanted a family just as bad as I did. He was my knight in shining armor! Step One, check!

Step Two: Build a relationship

Owner and I couldn't get enough of each other! We spent damn near everyday together. We jumped all into our relationship head first. He was 21 and deep in the streets. After about three months our relationship had become less of a priority to him so we naturally just stopped talking. Step Two not reached, gotta start over.

At this point I gave up on love. I figured if I can't have love and motherhood then scratch the love. I'll just get pregnant by somebody and embrace being a single mother. I started to cover up my pain with drugs and alcohol. I lived the life of a hot girl! Doin' my do! I tried to never be at home, never be sober, and never get emotionally attached to anybody. It was easier that way. Less disappointments.

For years it was a vicious cycle.

At 21, Owner and I tried it again. It was better. He was more mature and he whipped me into shape once again. We got engaged and started to plan a life together. When the smoke cleared and the liquor dried out I realized that I never had an opportunity to work on myself and be the woman he needed me to be. I still had too many unresolved issues. I had no sense of self. We battled constantly because I yearned for self growth and independence. He wanted a dedicated housewife. I rebelled and it ended our relationship.

I worked and I prayed and I found myself and independence. I've accepted the fact that a baby will come when the time is right. I was cured...I thought.

It wasn't until I met "Poetry Boy" that I realized that I still have work to do. This guy is amazing! We have so much in common, he's so talented, and so sincere. Slowly my insecurities started to creep up on me! I'd convinced myself that this guy only wanted to use me, that he had hundreds of chicks on his team, and that I wasn't good enough for him. I tried to abandon ship on our friendship instead of being honest with him. He called me on my bullshit! We talked it out and thankfully we're still friends.

Even though neither of us are looking for a romance it's cool to know that there is hope for me finding a good man that is right for me.

I love me and now that's the ultimate love for me.