Wonder Bitch Has Left The Building

This is a repost from Tionna Smalls' blog about being in a relationship with a broken man. After reading this I realize that my last relationship was with a broken man. I thought I could be Wonder Bitch and save the day making him fall in love with me the way I was with him but I was wrong. Thanks, Tionna, for showing me the way.

Dear Diary,
I know I have been gone for a minute but I was writing my first ever screen play. Yes, you read it right; I am writing and directing a movie in Brooklyn. Yep!
Anywho, I am back and today I would like to talk about broken men. Now what is a broken man? Well that’s a good question. A broken man is man who is emotionally unable to love and/or accept love into his life. He is a man who should have received a SSI check when he was younger because he just don’t have it all upstairs. A broken man is a self-sabotager who make sure he messes things up with any woman who shows him love especially if he feels himself falling too.
You can’t blame a man for being broken. Most of the times, you have to blame their sociological factors such as their nature and their nurture. Many broken men become that way from what they had to go through in their environment but MOST of them learn their shitty ways from the people that they were around most which is their mother.
Many women fall in love with broken men hoping that they can save them and show them a little love but they are truly mistaken. You can’t undo 25 years of fuckery!!! Nothing can help this man but prayer. A broken man must know and respect the fact that he is emotionally broken and that he may need help to overcome what has happened in his past.
Have you ever dealt with a man and no matter what you tried to do, he never seemed to show you the same love and respect back. Well, you may have dealt with a broken man. See, these broken men want to love and want to show love but they just don’t know how. No one has shown them how to properly care and feel empathy for someone else; all they know how to do is be messed up and care for themselves. Well at least they think they care for themselves. A broken man is very miserable and insecure and does not have a clue on how they can change their lives; so why are you trying to be Wonder Bitch, thinking you can change his life?????
No matter how much you may love someone, sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. Love is not enough; you have to leave a dude to keep a dude. Staying in a bad situation with a broken man is not going to help the situation, it is going to hurt the situation…Leave him and let him realize on his own that he need to get his shit together.

To read the rest of this post check it out on The Diary of Tionna Smalls

Chubby Chasing Is Coming To Light

MTV Shows

As a chubby girl I cross the paths of a lot of chubby chases. Usually guys that are into big girls are ashamed, closet chasers. MTV aired an episode of their show True Life featuring young people who are chubby chasers and proud. 

There's nothing to be ashamed of, fellas. Come out of the closet...

What are your thoughts on the chubby chaser lifestyle?

Why All We Do Is Fcuk & Fight...

Relationships are more than just boy meets girl and they fall in love. The fairy tale we've been fed since we were little girls is far fetched at best. The reality of it is being in love takes work. Lots of it.
I got the idea for the title of this post from a line in a song by rapper Pimp C.

"She say she love me but all we do is fcuk and fight..."

To me that line represents perfectly the time in a relationship when the going is tough and it's time to put the real work in. Here's what I've learned about navigating through the downs of love...

• No matter how much you love each other, bad times are inevitable.  If you pay close attention to traditional wedding vows you'll see that relationships will not be all happy days and sunshine. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part. This is because no matter how perfect you are together or how much you love each other bad times will come. The sooner you know and understand that the better of a place you will be in mentally when it's time to work through a problem.
• Arguments aren't a cue to break up.  When you have a disagreement with your partner and it leads to an argument, don't automatically assume it's time to bail. Most people argue to make their point. It's just a form of expression. After an argument, make it a point to talk out whatever the argument was about calmly. Once both of you have cooled off and had time to think you can revisit  the issue and solve it without screaming. If arguing is your primary form of communication, however, then you might have a problem. 
• Fight for your relationship to the bitter end.  I was engaged and when the problems in our relationship came i gave up. I assumed that if we were meant to be together I should't have to fight for us. I was WRONG!  I was supposed to do everything I could to make things better. Then if it didn't work it was time to part ways. If you really want to be with your man fight for him. Always do your best to show him you're there for the long haul. Screw what people have to say about your relationship. I've been called stupid and asked why do I continue to work on my relationship. The answer is simple: Because we truly love each other and we want our relationship to survive the hard times. 

If you're going through a hard time with yours I say make the decision now as to if you want to work it out or not. If the answer is yes, stop everything and get to work! Things will work out. If they don't at least you can end things knowing you did all you could. You can move on with no regrets. 

Girl Raped By Guy She Met On Facebook!

Cy Harp is one of my favorite Ohio artists because his main goal is to be a positive example for the youth. He's raising awareness to rape in his new video. Cy shows why the saying 'Hurt people hurt people' rings true from a man's perspective.

I hate to fcuk and leave, but...

Finding a man in his twenties that's ready to settle down is like trying to find Waldo. It's possible, but it's going to take a while. Relationships scare them away. Casual sex in a "friends with benefits" type of situation is right up their alley, though.  I've had so much trouble in those types of relationships, and I'm not alone. This type of relationship will never work, and I'm gonna tell you why...

Very few people are able to completely detach themselves emotionally from sex.  

If a woman has sex with a man she has some type of feelings for him. Period. Even if they agree that it's "just sex", there are some feelings there. Men catch feelings, too. They just hide it well.  The whole point of friends with benefits is sex with no strings attached. So when strings begin to tighten, the relationship changes.

It's too complicated.

How do treat your new "friend"? Do you go on dates? Do you introduce him to your family? It can get complicated keeping up a relationship like this. Between keeping your feelings in check and treating him the way he's supposed to be treated soon the "benefits" will be in question. Somebody will end up questioning what the two of you are doing together. The longer you deal with each other the more it will feel like a traditional relationship, but that's not what it is so what then? I don't know either.

It can't stand the test of time. It's a short term option only.

When you find that friend that's playing their position the right way (i.e. the sex is good, they don't catch feelings, you get along great) you're going to want to keep it that way. Unfortunately, all good thing must come to an end. If your "friends with benefits" relationship goes longer that a month or so, like I said in my first point, somebody's going to catch feelings. Ending it will be just as hard as breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend which defeats the purpose of just being friends. The emotional part isn't supposed to be a factor. 

So in the end, being friends with benefits is a real thing, it's a relationship just like any other one. It needs boundaries, it takes work, and somebody's feelings will be involved. To me, you'd be better off having a one night stand. That's the only way to guarantee you can sleep with somebody and end it there with no strings or emotions. 

I'm naked. No More Sheets...

I am a single young lady and I love it!

On the other hand though, I do see marriage and family in my future. As my twenties come to an end, being single becomes more frustrating because my wants and needs are changing. As I go back and forth between wanting to be single and wanting to be married, I ask myself the question am I really ready for marriage right now? After watching this sermon by Juanita Bynum, I don't think so, but I know that I will be one day. This is a must see video for all my single ladies. You will look at relationships a little bit different afterwards. I promise!

The History of Valentine's Day

I screwed my best friend's boyfriend!

The Sweet Taste of Forbidden Fruit
Fighting and giving in to temptation goes all the way back to the ancient time of Adam and Eve. We all know the story of how humanity was punished because those two ate from the tree of knowledge. There are some things, no matter how tempting, you're never supposed to indulge in. One of those things is sleeping with the mate of a close friend or family member. The reality is that we're human and we have weak moments. So giving in to temptations like this happen all the time.

The Story of My Temptation
Yes. I'm guilty of sleeping with a friend's boyfriend... Twice. Horrible, I know! I slept with a guy who was with two of my friends. (He was a pass-around, though. *Kanye shrug*) I also slept with a childhood friend who, coincidentally, is now the current boyfriend of a friend of mine. In my defense, I was a teenager when this happened. Young, dumb, and full of cum. For those of you that are facing the temptation of your girl's fine ass new boo, read along and think really hard before you give in to temptation...

What's Done in The Dark Always Comes to Light
Once I grew up and looked back on the wild stuff I did, I was very embarrassed about what I'd done. I put the experiences in the back of my mind and tried to act like it never happened. I never told anyone about it and I denied it if any word about me spread. After a while, I couldn't deny it anymore. The truth came out and there was nothing I could do. I am still friends with two of the girls but the other one is not my friend at all anymore. In the end the embarrassment that I feel and the lost friendships was not worth it. Take a real hard look at your friendship. If you don't mind losing it then, by all means, sleep with her man and be happy. I'm pretty sure that you won't though.

Act Your Age, Not Your Shoe Size
If you consider yourself a grown woman, you need to act like one. Sleeping with another woman's man is dirty and immature. And don't forget that karma's a bitch. 

If you wanna get rid of me, Love me right.

When I saw this tweet from Erykah Badu, I immediately retweeted it. She says it may be 'a bit advanced' but I caught the meaning of it right away. Nice guys finish last. The men that treat us the worst are the ones we have the hardest time letting go of.

Why do we put ourselves through the pain of being with a no good man?
There are countless answers to this question because each woman has her own reasons for staying with her man. It could be because of the kids or because he pays the bills. The main reasons, however, go much deeper than these surface answers.

• What you desire in your heart has nothing to do with what you're attracted to. Women want a man that is sweet and treats her like a queen. That's what we desire in our hearts. On the flip side we're attracted to a man that's strong and can take charge. A man that's exciting and a little unpredictable. So when that goody-good guy comes along who's really nice, but is lame and boring, we lose all interest and attract the bad boy. 
• Masculine vs. Feminine Energy. On one of my fave shows "The Millionaire Matchmaker" I was introduced to the concept of the how the energy that you possess can effect your relationships. All people give off either masculine or feminine energy. It doesn't matter what sex you are. You can still omit the energy of the opposite sex. Women naturally want a masculine energy male so they have a hard time dating a guy with feminine energy i.e. the nice guy. Are you masculine of feminine? Find out here.
• Fear, Trauma, Low self-esteem. So many women fear being alone. They will stay with anybody that will give them the time of day. Seeing women in your family be in bad relationships can teach women to do the same thing in their lives. The feeling that no one else will want you if you leave him is a top reason for staying in a relationship that is painful or abusive to you.

No matter what the reason is, no woman deserves to be in a relationship that is harmful to her. You deserve all the happiness and love that this world has to offer. Breaking up is hard to do, but if it's the best thing for you then you have to do the work necessary to make yourself happy. I promise you will not regret the decision to leave. 

The 5 Biggest Lies Men Tell About Black Women

"Tell the truth and shame the devil."

We've all heard our Granny or other older relative say this to us a million times. So why is it that every time I turn around I hear some crazy gossip about me that's completely false? You would think that the rumors would be started by jealous girls, but most of the lies are those told on me by men! I know that as you read this you are running down the list of lies your bitter ex-boyfriend has told about you.. Why they do this, I don't know. But just in case you find yourself hearing some gossip from a guy about one of your homegirls, if he says any of the following things, chances are he's lying!

1. She's a hoe!: What this dude is really trying to say is "She messed around with that other guy, but won't talk to me. Now I'm mad!" Men are always in competition with each other. So when you're the reason he loses the 'Ladies' Man' contest, he will resent you and try his best to make you look bad when you simply weren't interested in him. 
2. That ain't my baby!: Where would Maury Povich be without this lie?! Unless he has taken a DNA test to prove that he isn't the father of the baby in question then the possibility of it being his is very high. The responsibility may be too much for him, he might hate the idea of being connected to the child's mother forever, or he could be plain ol' unsure. Whatever the reason, he'll spit this lie out quick when need be.
3. Black women are Gold Diggers: This couldn't be farther from the truth. Most Black women are single mothers taking care of themselves and their children on their own with no help from anybody. Those that aren't single mothers still have to work and contribute to their household. All we want is a man that is willing to do his part and pay his share. Anything else is a bonus. 
4. We all have bad attitudes: We as Black women do have a certain way we carry ourselves. We are more of a no nonsense type of woman than other races, but history shows that we've had it hard and we have to stand up for ourselves to be successful in this life. However, we're still women and we have a softness to us that only women can have. Our attitude only comes up when we need it, just like any other person. 
5. Every Black woman comes from the ghetto: There are just as many Black people in general that live in rural communities as whites and other races. In my age group there are plenty that were born and raised in the suburbs. Ghetto is more of a mentality or lifestyle than where you live or were raised. Assuming that all Black people grew up in the projects is just ignorant. 

Before you open your mind to believe rumors and your mouth to spread them make sure you check the facts. Always have your own brain and opinions to go off of before you judge people. Black women are the most beautiful and strong women in the world and I am proud to be one of them!

That son of a BITCH! - What to do when you love the man, but HATE his mother.

LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING, BUT IT'S NOT AN EASY ONE.

I'm no stranger to getting my ass kicked by that thing called Love. I let you read the story of my journey to love and happiness, so you already know that. The trials & tribulations that we women go through in relationships seem endless. One of the biggest hurdles I had to get over in a relationship was dealing with my fiance's mother, who I absolutely hated! 

HOW TO LOVE THE MAN, BUT HATE HIS MOTHER

I loved my fiance' with every bone in my body and nothing was going to stop me from marrying him. So if you feel the same way as I did, here are a few tips to help you get along with you're man's mother. 

• Just like the title says: You love the MAN, not his mother. The good news is you don't have to love his mom to be in a happy relationship with him. You do have to at least get along and be cordial though. Don't get caught up into any drama with his mom. Even if she is outright rude to you, keep your cool. If you love your man, you have to let him handle his mother. You don't want to say something to her out of anger that will piss HIM off so bad that he breaks up with you. 
• Always treat his mother the way he wants you to treat her. He's her son. Who better to tell you how to get along with her? If your man says to kill his mom with kindness, do it. If he says ignore her, do that. Stand up to her if that's what he tells you to do. I'm sure with a little patience and persistence, you'll be well on your way to a peaceful relationship with your boyfriend's mother. 
• Use other family members as allies!  Your man isn't the only one who can help you get along with moms. Recruit whichever family member(s) you get along with best to be your ally. Ask them for advice on how to deal with the situation best. Maybe that person could talk to you boyfriend's mother for you and help to build a bridge between you two.

So, talk these tips over with your man tonight and get his input. I know he would have some great feedback for you. And I bet it would mean a lot to him that you're making an effort to get along with his mom for the sake of your relationship. 

Got advice? Click the little pencil in the box below and leave a comment!

Wanna get a man? Quit going to church.

I've been hearing a lot about a CNN report that was aired saying that the Black church keeps Black women single. When I first saw a link about it on Mediatakeout.com, I ignored it. Mainly because MTO can put some B.S. up sometimes. What made me pay attention to it was when I heard the topic being discussed on the Ricky Smiley morning show on Z1079. I didn't even think it was true that the study was done before then.I think the whole thing is ridiculous. Here's why...

• Just like so many other Black people, I grew up in the church. I know all about the Ten Commandments, Jesus' miracles, and countless other parables and scriptures. Pre-marital sex is a no-no and you HAVE to get married if you want to live  life as a woman. According to the church, either you get married or you stay celibate. That didn't sit well with me, so when I turned 18 I did my own thing. I wanted to be able to go on dates, wear makeup, and kiss. (Among other things...) I went against what the church said was right as far as how to date. Had I followed the rules I still would have dated, but we all know being a teenager is all about having fun. Dating the church way was not fun, but it wasn't non-existent. 
• The church is an isolated situation, in my opinion. The church community is small in reference to the rest of the world. There are so many different denominations and beliefs that you can't group all Black churches into one and say that the church, as a whole, is what is keeping Black women single. Trust me because I'm out here in it. I know there are a million other factors that go into being single. Good and bad from both men and women so blaming the church is crazy to me. 
•  The man that the church says is the perfect man to be with can be somewhat unrealistic. Some churches will shun what "worldly" people would say is a good man. He can have a good job, no felonies, a college degree, and his own very successful business; But if he doesn't attend both services on Sunday, bible study on Wednesday, and can't quote scripture then he's not worthy of that Christian woman. So some very good men get passed up. 

I can understand why the report would think that the church is keeping women single because of the strict rules when it comes to sex, dating, and marriage. Christian women make the choice to stay single because of their religion. There are also women that get saved during their relationship without their man and if he doesn't find God with her she will leave him behind.
Did anyone doing this study stop and consider the fact that a woman can CHOOSE to be single for her career or financial goals? Furthermore, did they do this study on any other nationality?

What do you think? Is the Black church the reason Black women are single? How important is religion to a relationship? Go to the comment box below and sound off!

Is there a penis slot on that Xbox?!

I was watching a special on VH1 last night called "Undatable" where they list the top 100 things that guys do that will ensure that they don't get a date or any sex at all for that matter. I couldn't help but break out laughing when they showed a clip similar to this one:



My ex fiance' is just like this. He spends hours on end playing "Call of Duty" on his Xbox 360. It definitely took time away from us that we could spend having sex or doing something meaningful together. He went so far as to call it his "SexBox" because he loved playing that damn thing so much. Needless to say, he is constantly struggling to keep a roof over his head.
Oh, well. Good luck to him., and good riddens.

Are you down with the swirl?

I have never dated outside my race before. I love a handsome, chocolate man! Being single for a couple years now has made me question what it is I am looking for in a man. I have had such bad luck with black men being lazy, users, and immature. ( I know all black men aren't like that!) I am starting to consider dating older men and even dating outside my race. I decided to do a litte research and I ran across this video.

What do you think? Have you ever dated outside your race? If not, would you?

Male Gold Diggers: The Tables Have Turned

When you think of the term "Gold Digger" you immediately think of a young attractive woman using an older, rich man for her own financial benefit. This is very true for the most part. But in my last few dating experiences and after having conversations with women friends and family, I have noticed that the tables have turned. The men out here are looking for women to have the money and take care of them.
 Over the past few years the roles of men and women have changed due to the large amount of dead beat dads. Women have to work and maintain households in place of the men. Now the independent woman is the head of households everywhere. This brings out all the lazy bums and users.
It just doesn't make sense to me that a man will look for a female to take care of them in every way. If you're looking for a mother then you should still be living at home letting mama take care of you. The dating game is so different now. If that's what you want to call it. Guys don't want to take women on dates anymore. Unless you've already had sex with them that is.
I had a guy talk to me on the phone for a week and he asked me to make his car payment for that month. What the hell is that?! I dealt with a guy for two years and we never went on a date. Not even the dollar movie. I also met a guy who told me that if I wasn't helping him then I was hurting him. He needed a female that could give him $1500 at a time and not be concerned about getting it back. Then there is the dude that wants to come to my house to visit all the time and never mentioned a date.
I asked one of the guys why does he feel that a women should be the financially dominant one and he said women fought for equal rights so now we have to be willing to do the same thing that men are expected to do. The keyword there is "EQUAL". I am all about "fair exchange ain't no robbery". I am more that willing to do nice things for my man as long as he is willing to do the same in return. But I refuse to be used.
Have you ever taken care of your man? Do you mind being the bread winner?

Life is short, so let it go!

Today (9.15.09), a loved one of mine is being laid to rest. At 23, she left behind two small kids, a huge family, and tons of friends. Her life was just starting and still it ended. It's crazy how God works sometimes. I'm still extremely sad.
April's passing is definitely one of those "life changing" situations. Something that is so deep that you can't help but pick the situation apart and figure out what you're supposed to learn from it. And once you learn, you'll never deter from that new way of thinking and living.
I've been struggling with letting go of past experiences and grudges I've been holding on to. Ignoring and neglecting people that hurt me or simply made me angry. I did away with those people not because I didn't love them anymore, but because I couldn't put my selfish pride away and let it go. Love is not an emotion, it's a choice. You don't HAVE to love somebody. Making the decision to choose love should be selfless and unconditional. Petty arguments and disagreements shouldn't change you decision. Mistakes and miscommunication shouldn't change it either. Pick you battles wisely because some things can't be forgotten, but all things can be forgiven. You'd hate to block your blessings because you're holding on to anger!
There's a quote in the book Twelve Pillars that says: "...The greatest gift the Grand Designer gives us is the gift of people. Yes, relationships can be hard, but they are also what the joy of life is made of." To me this means that the better your relationships are with those you love, the more joyful your life will be. So if there's someone you're estranged from that you still love but haven't buried the hatchet with them, do it as quickly as possible. You'll only be more blessed for it. Don't get it twisted, though! There are people that are bad for you and are better out of your life. Treat those people accordingly.
The last time I saw April we were a another sister/friend, Christie's house so that I could do their hair. I did April's hair, But before I go to do Christie's hair there was an altercation that got out of hand. We said things that were hurtful to each other and I stopped speaking to her. The next time I spoke to Christie was the day April passed. I apologized to her that night. I thought to myself, if Christie was the one to go instead of April I would have so much guilt in my heart! I still loved her dearly, I just held on to my anger for no good reason.
So my outlook on life has changed. I prayed for God to help me to release my past. And he did. I'm very grateful! I just wish he didn't have to take someone so dear to get his point across.
Being hurt by someone you love can cut you deep, but life is short, so let it go!

16 & Beaten

Growing up as a black female in the low middle class inner city, I've seen the struggles of black youth. Issues like high school drop outs, teen pregnancy, gang violence, and selling drugs are the most common and visible issues suffered by our teens.
One of the most common but least talked about problems is abusive relationships among black teenagers.
This issue has hit home for me for a long time now. At 16, I had a boyfriend that was physically and mentally abusive. I was so naive that I didn't even realize that I was being abused until it was too late. I have friends that fist fought their boyfriends on a regular basis when we were younger. I have one niece that was beat by age 18 and another who is currently in a relationship that has the early signs of a controlling, mentally abusive relationship.
Last year there was a girl at Jane Addams H.S. that was shot and killed by her boyfriend.
These days, grandparents are in their 30s and kids are raising themselves at 12 and 13 years old. Most young dudes in the streets have learned the "fuck them bitches" or "I don't love them hoes" mentality that causes them to treat good girls like hoes and bitches. Others may have been raised in a home that taught them a distorted idea of how to treat a woman so they treat their girlfriends like a possession instead of a partner. Then there are those like my abuser, who grew up watching their father (figure) beat on their mother so they know no other way.
These young girls usually have been raised in a home without a father and feel deprived of love. They have low self-esteem or some depression. They feel worthless so they look for someone or something to fulfill them. In most cases, they've already engaged in some sort of destructive behavior be it drugs, alcohol, or irresponsible sex by the time they meet their abuser. Some may have already been abused by a parent or family member so, in a crazy way, abuse is what makes them feel loved.
Whatever the circumstances, teen abuse in relationships is an issue that needs some light shed on it so that it can be stopped. So that lives can be saved.
My advice to women of all ages is to look for the signs. If you think your boyfriend is abusive then, more than likely, he is. If he is quick to anger, always has something negative to say about you, or is very possessive of you then he may be an abuser. Maybe not physically, but the possibility of mental abuse is also there.
Always love yourself first. Keep yourself happy so that you know what love feels like. That way a man can't hurt you and claim that it's love.