How I Grew To Love My Belly

I have talked about my self esteem struggle many times on this blog. Too many damn times. Lol. Falling in love with myself and my body has been an uphill battle but I am winning!
For the past few months I have been seeing the fruits of all my inner labor. The praying and believing inspired me to take the actions that changed my life. No more young, wild living. Taking care of myself is now a top priority.
The inside is good, now I'm focusing on the outside. First thing's first, I have to get my body and fashion together. I blogged about fashion for the first time in my last post. Expect more, too. :)
As far as my body goes I started working out using a high interval intensity workout called Turbo Fire. Ever heard of Insanity? Well, Turbo Fire is the same workout only put to music and catered to women. I love it! My body has started to change shape and I'm slimming down nicely after only a couple of months. I'm feeling myself so much that I posted the above pic on Instagram showing off my progress with the caption "Fat & fabulous is the mission..." Meaning, I don't wanna be skinny just in love with the skin I'm in.

I was even inspired to go strapless last week. Can't even remember the last time I did that! Not to mention that this denim one-piece is a size Large when I was buying 2X and 3X. What a freakin' difference!

So to all of you ladies that are fighting the battle of the bulge I encourage you to keep on pushing. It is possible to reach whatever goals you set. It's simple to do, but it's not easy so it will take some motivation and strength but you can do it.

If you have any tips on how I can become a slimmer, sexier me or want to share your weightloss journey hit up the comment section below.

Smooches,

Rashida :)

My Faves From The Giuseppe Zanotti Fall 2013 Collection

One of my main goals for this year is to get my fashion sense back. I've had some tough times the past couple of years so I fell off fashion wise mainly because I couldn't afford to shop.
Now that I have steady income again I have been shopping and rebuilding my wardrobe. I look at tons of fashion blogs and follow some amazing plus size divas on Instagram (FOLLOW ME ON IG!) so I can keep up with what's hot.
I was scrolling through Baller Alert and saw the sneak peak they posted of the Fall 2013 shoe collection by Giuseppe Zanotti. I have no idea when I'll actually purchase a pair of Giuseppe's but I know I will on day. *Fingers crossed* So, I'm doing a little browsing in the mean time. The top pair are my favorites. Which one is yours?

I could definitely see myself wearing these with a cute outfit for Fourth of July.

My least favorite...

My Funeral: The Rise of an Empress

On December 3rd I decided to start a Self Love journey. I got this idea from a YouTube channel I came across by Montana Deleon. A former Worldstar "booty model" turned inspirational speaker.
I know what you're thinking but before you judge hear me out.
I am a true believer in metaphysical science. That means that I believe in the power of one's own spirit and mind to create the person you want to be. After watching her videos I see that Montana is doing the work that the metaphysical is all about and has made a beautiful change in her life. She started her own Self Love journey and documented it on her YouTube channel and it's really fascinating and inspirational.
In one of her videos she talked about starting the Self Love Journey by having a funeral for your old self and beginning the day anew. So this is my funeral. Hence, the head stone. It reads "Death of a Warrior. Rise of an Empress." Because I was always fighting my demons. I got so caught up with being a victim and holding on to hurt that I became identified by being broken. No more of that. I will build an empire as an author/entrepreneur. I'm rising from the ashes like a beautiful phoenix.
I will be keeping you guys up to date with  a series of Self Love journey posts and videos. Say a prayer for me...
Check out Montana's YouTube Channel Here.

My Latest Chubby Chasing Experience

My cousin invited me and my sister over one night to chill and catch up. He'd just moved down the street from me. His roommate was there. I noticed him giving me the eye but I ignored it. He was cute and all but I just wasn't interested. 
About a week later I got locked out of my house accidentally and my phone was dead. It's December in Cleveland so it's cold as hell outside and I had on a thin jacket. I thought for a second and decided to walk down the street to my cousin's house to charge my phone and wait until my aunt came with the key.
I get to the house and his roommate answers the door. I ask if my cousin is there and he tells me no. I was walking away when I heard a male voice say, "You sure you lookin' for your cousin?" I turned and went back to the door. I knew from that comment that he'd let me in. "As a matter of fact," I said. "Can I come in and use a phone charger? I'm locked out and I need to call somebody to help." Old dude let me in. He had a few guys over and they had just made dinner. A silly guy with a gap in his teeth and thick cornrows to the back offered me a plate. I politely declined. After making a few phone calls I knew I'd be sitting down there for a while so I decided to take them up on their offer.
My cousin's roommate got up and made me a plate then brought it to me. He sat across from me and made conversation as I ate. He started at my lips intently as I ate. It was as if he was hypnotized. I noticed this but I shrugged it off.
The next day he came to my house with pizza and watched me eat it with the same lustful look in his eyes. The day after that her invited me over and cooked. I didn't expect to be eating. I'd just had dinner before I came there so I said I didn't want to eat but he sat a plate of food in front of me anyway. He bugged me until I ate every crumb. He watched and it was like he fell more in love with me with each bite.  At the end of the meal I playfully asked if he was a chubby chaser. He laughed and said no but I knew for a fact that that was a lie...

How NOT to Punch a Bitch In the Mouth

I just had a falling out with my roommate a few weeks ago. I left the same day of our disagreement and I have been having lots of negative feelings towards her. It took everything in me not to punch her in the mouth. She accused me of tampering with her food and giving her bedbugs! Ugh, the nerve of that heffa...
I am very proud of myself though. I kept my cool and packed my things to leave without having a physical confrontation with her. This was hard and I know many of you ladies out there would have given her the business for being disrespectful. That's not the way to do it. I've learned that you can't let other people control your emotions. When you do that, they win! If you have a hard time with not flying off the handle and putting your hands on those that piss you off here's my advice to you:

• Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. The first step in not punching a bitch in the mouth is to remain calm. When you feel your anger rising take a pause, close your eyes, and breathe deeply. It may seem cliche' and corny but this really works. You will start to calm down immediately. Count to ten if you need to while you have your eyes closed.
• TIISG! What ever the argument or disagreement is about is more than likely not that serious that you need to fight about it. Take the conversation and TIISG - Turn it into something good. Find the bright side of the conversation and focus on that. You can agree to disagree if that's what it takes. In my case, I am glad that I was able to leave without falling out with my former roommate to the point that we can never be cool again. I'm also glad that I won't be getting ate up by bedbugs.
• Remember that you can't let other people control your emotions. I used to believe that emotions were hard to control. I also used to believe that your circumstances determined your emotions. Both of those couldn't be farther from the truth. In order for you to get positive outcomes you have to keep a positive attitude. Make it your business to control your emotions and keep the demons away. Don't let anyone have power over you.

Next time you get into it with someone I hope you hear my voice in your head reminding you that there is another way. You can handle conflict peacefully without having to punch a bitch in the mouth. 

*Covers eyes* I've Never Read any of 'The Prada Plan' Books...

The Prada Plan 3 available February 2013

Ashley Antoinette is probably my favorite author right now. I am just now getting a chance to say this because I've read a whopping two books by her. I know you just screwed your face up and said something like "She supposed to be a urban fiction author and she ain't read but two books by her?!" And to that I hang my head in shame and say yes. When hot authors like Ashley & JaQuavis, K'wan, and KiKi Swinson hit the streets I was in the streets myself. The last thing on my mind was reading books.
With the announcement of The Prada Plan 3 being released it made me realize that I haven't read the first two. I have asked around and learned very quickly that this is a series that I just have to get my hands on.

Have you read any of the Prada series?
What do you think of Ashley Antoinette's body of work as a whole?

Red light, yellow, light, green light...

I discovered Monica Marie Jones on Twitter when I was looking for more authors to follow. She would tweet these great motivational messages which led me to sign up for her mailing list. Now I get her "Monday Morning Motivation" messages in my inbox.
In the last email she sent out titled "Traffic Light Your Life" she shared an exercise called 'Red light, yellow light, green light' to reflect on last year and the year to come.
Red light represents something you will stop doing this year. Yellow light represents what you will continue doing this year. Green light represents what you want to start doing this year.
Here's my life's traffic light:

• Red Light: What I'm going to stop doing is stop procrastinating. I wait til the very last minute to do so many things. I see how that has hurt me and my business. I need to start being a person who is constantly acting when it comes to handling my business. 
• Yellow Light: I'm going to continue motivating myself and learning how to be a better me. I'm also going to continue working hard building my writing career. 
• Green Light: I'm going to start making my finances and my weight/health a priority. I have been struggling a little bit when it comes to being financially comfortable. I need to get that together because that is one of my main insecurities. I feel that at my age money management should be a priority. My weight is the other insecurity. I need to change that. I've already started exercising and I joined a weight loss support group called "Girl, Get Your Body Right!" Check out my profile HERE. 

What will the traffic light of your life entail? 

To read the post I'm referencing click HERE

To sign up for Monica's email list click HERE

One word: Oprah!

After 25 years, Oprah finally ended her reign as the talk show queen. Well, not exactly. She's moving on to focus on her own Oprah Winfrey Network and for now, the reruns are still showing.
I've never been an Oprah watcher. If she had somebody on her show that I found interesting, then I'd watch. She's still been a huge inspiration for me though. A self-made billionaire who's overcome any and all obstacles  to get success and happiness. That's what I want for myself. Oprah is a practicer of the Law of Attraction (I'm REALLY into metaphysical science for those that don't know.) so she's proof that I'm not some cooky nerd for believing in it. Lol.
When I watched her final show I expected it to be like the two-day spectacular like the two days before. I was literally blown away by how intimate it was. She spoke some very powerful and inspirational words that touched me to my core. Words that put a fire under my ass.

"Everybody has a calling, and your real job in life is to figure out what that is and get about the business of doing it. "

 "Nobody but you is responsible for your life. It doesn't matter what your mama did; it doesn't matter what your daddy didn't do. You are responsible for your life. ... You are responsible for the energy that you create for yourself, and you're responsible for the energy that you bring to others."

Before now I was a lady that wrote and listened to music for therapy. Writing gives me purpose and music feeds my soul. Knowing that and thanks to you guys I am 100% sure that my calling is to be a writer. 

I suggest anybody who didn't see the show to read what you missed on Oprah's website. 

I screwed my best friend's boyfriend!

The Sweet Taste of Forbidden Fruit
Fighting and giving in to temptation goes all the way back to the ancient time of Adam and Eve. We all know the story of how humanity was punished because those two ate from the tree of knowledge. There are some things, no matter how tempting, you're never supposed to indulge in. One of those things is sleeping with the mate of a close friend or family member. The reality is that we're human and we have weak moments. So giving in to temptations like this happen all the time.

The Story of My Temptation
Yes. I'm guilty of sleeping with a friend's boyfriend... Twice. Horrible, I know! I slept with a guy who was with two of my friends. (He was a pass-around, though. *Kanye shrug*) I also slept with a childhood friend who, coincidentally, is now the current boyfriend of a friend of mine. In my defense, I was a teenager when this happened. Young, dumb, and full of cum. For those of you that are facing the temptation of your girl's fine ass new boo, read along and think really hard before you give in to temptation...

What's Done in The Dark Always Comes to Light
Once I grew up and looked back on the wild stuff I did, I was very embarrassed about what I'd done. I put the experiences in the back of my mind and tried to act like it never happened. I never told anyone about it and I denied it if any word about me spread. After a while, I couldn't deny it anymore. The truth came out and there was nothing I could do. I am still friends with two of the girls but the other one is not my friend at all anymore. In the end the embarrassment that I feel and the lost friendships was not worth it. Take a real hard look at your friendship. If you don't mind losing it then, by all means, sleep with her man and be happy. I'm pretty sure that you won't though.

Act Your Age, Not Your Shoe Size
If you consider yourself a grown woman, you need to act like one. Sleeping with another woman's man is dirty and immature. And don't forget that karma's a bitch. 

They smile in your face, but all the time... You know the rest.

Friends are overrated.
That's how I have felt for quite a while. It wasn't until I decided to start a business that I realized that friends, and foes, are a much needed part of any successful business. How else will you be able to let the world know who you are before anyone cares? Network=Net Worth, right?
I went to a cabaret thrown by a friend this Saturday. Her parties are usually packed with people and leaves everyone waiting for the next one. The last few have been empty and no one seems to kick it with her the way they used to. Our circle is pretty small and not even the normal people showed up. Only two of us. I felt kinda bad for her.
You would like for your friend be the way they are in the movies. We all wish we could be like Thelma & Louise or like the ladies off of "Girlfriends" or "Living Single". There for you no matter what. Supporting  your every endeavor. Standing up for you when you need them to and never saying a bad word about you to anyone.
The truth of the matter is, life happens. There are arguments and fights that happen that can't be repaired. Misunderstandings come about and sometimes trust is betrayed. Bad decisions can leave your reputation tarnished so bad that major damage control is needed. So in the end, someone who was once your friend can be more like an acquaintance at any time. Depending on the severity of your misunderstandings and your ability to move on from them.
Lucky for me I do have a few close friends that will be around as long as I am. I cherish them. So if you have just one true friend appreciate them. Because in a world where you have to keep your enemies closer than your friends, allies are your best assets.

Is there a penis slot on that Xbox?!

I was watching a special on VH1 last night called "Undatable" where they list the top 100 things that guys do that will ensure that they don't get a date or any sex at all for that matter. I couldn't help but break out laughing when they showed a clip similar to this one:



My ex fiance' is just like this. He spends hours on end playing "Call of Duty" on his Xbox 360. It definitely took time away from us that we could spend having sex or doing something meaningful together. He went so far as to call it his "SexBox" because he loved playing that damn thing so much. Needless to say, he is constantly struggling to keep a roof over his head.
Oh, well. Good luck to him., and good riddens.

Thin my be in, but fat is where it's at!

     I love being a black woman!  One of the things I love most is the fact that I'm thick, curvy, and sexy!  Black men can appreciate a woman with some meat on her bones.  Not saying other races don't. But nice round breasts, full hips and thighs, and a big butt are some black men's "make it or break it" requirements when determining physical beauty.
     The confidence that I have now wasn't easy to come by. I had to learn love for self.  I had to discover that my beauty or sex appeal wasn't defined by my weight. Nor was it defined by another's opinion.
     I was always chubby growing up. For as long as I can remember, people have commented on my "thick, pretty" legs. It wasn't until 5th grade that I was called fat for the first time.  It was the boy likes girl, girl doesn't like boy, so boy has to hurt girl situation. After I broke up with my lil' boyfriend. he started calling me names.  Since he was also the class bully the entire class followed suit.  After being tormented about my weight the rest of the school year, I was convinced that I was fat and ugly.
     During my middle school years, I tried to cover up by wearing baggy boy clothes.  The "tom boy" look helped me hide my insecurities.  I tried to come out of my shell in high school, but the guys were cruel! I've had dudes say some horrible things about me.  I still don't know what I did  to deserve that treatment.
     I was introverted and quiet when my senior year of high school came around. Then one day I had an epiphany!  I don't know where this burst of strength came from, but I said to myself "To me, I'm beautiful. Period." All of a sudden it all became clear to me.  "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." is one of the most direct and truthful statements.  Not only through the eyes of others, but through your own.
     So to all my ladies out there that got a little bit more around the waist, or got crooked teeth, or if you're a model that has insecurities within.  Look in the mirror and open your eyes wide.  That woman looking back at you is the most beautiful woman walking the earth! Self love is the best love!

Love & Happiness: The Ultimate Choice- Pt. 2

LOVE...

I've been single for two years now. The last relationship that I was in really taught me a lot. The most important thing I learned was that I was not ready for love and a serious commitment.
From the time I was small, I've been obsessed with marriage and motherhood. I just knew that by the time I was this age (25) that I would be a wife and mother! I came from a relatively big family and that's what our women do. By 21, you're a mother living life in the real world. So as soon as I got my first boyfriend at 15, I jumped all in. Losing my virginity and being completely committed to him.
I wanted so badly to have a child, but that didn't work out. That depressed me because I felt as though that I was being denied the Ultimate Love: that from a child to its mother. I mean, crackheads have six and seven kids! All I wanted was one. So I started on my quest to find the ultimate love.

Step One: Find a guy and fall in love.

I bounced around from guy to guy for a couple years. So naive. I wore my heart on my sleeve and gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. I figured everybody wanted love. Why deny me? They never did love me. They loved what I could do for them...sexually. With each rejection came more devastation, deeper depression, lower self-esteem, and a stronger sense of desperation. At 18, I met and fell in love with my ex-fiance, we'll call him Owner. When we met I was a mess! I had dropped out of my senior year of high school, my father relapsed after years of sobriety, and after trying with a few guys I still hadn't become pregnant. I felt like there was something poisoning about me. Owner was the first guy to notice that I constantly kept my head down and carried myself with an overbearing sadness. He built up my confidence. He looked out or my health and my sanity. He also wanted a family just as bad as I did. He was my knight in shining armor! Step One, check!

Step Two: Build a relationship

Owner and I couldn't get enough of each other! We spent damn near everyday together. We jumped all into our relationship head first. He was 21 and deep in the streets. After about three months our relationship had become less of a priority to him so we naturally just stopped talking. Step Two not reached, gotta start over.

At this point I gave up on love. I figured if I can't have love and motherhood then scratch the love. I'll just get pregnant by somebody and embrace being a single mother. I started to cover up my pain with drugs and alcohol. I lived the life of a hot girl! Doin' my do! I tried to never be at home, never be sober, and never get emotionally attached to anybody. It was easier that way. Less disappointments.

For years it was a vicious cycle.

At 21, Owner and I tried it again. It was better. He was more mature and he whipped me into shape once again. We got engaged and started to plan a life together. When the smoke cleared and the liquor dried out I realized that I never had an opportunity to work on myself and be the woman he needed me to be. I still had too many unresolved issues. I had no sense of self. We battled constantly because I yearned for self growth and independence. He wanted a dedicated housewife. I rebelled and it ended our relationship.

I worked and I prayed and I found myself and independence. I've accepted the fact that a baby will come when the time is right. I was cured...I thought.

It wasn't until I met "Poetry Boy" that I realized that I still have work to do. This guy is amazing! We have so much in common, he's so talented, and so sincere. Slowly my insecurities started to creep up on me! I'd convinced myself that this guy only wanted to use me, that he had hundreds of chicks on his team, and that I wasn't good enough for him. I tried to abandon ship on our friendship instead of being honest with him. He called me on my bullshit! We talked it out and thankfully we're still friends.

Even though neither of us are looking for a romance it's cool to know that there is hope for me finding a good man that is right for me.

I love me and now that's the ultimate love for me.

Life is short, so let it go!

Today (9.15.09), a loved one of mine is being laid to rest. At 23, she left behind two small kids, a huge family, and tons of friends. Her life was just starting and still it ended. It's crazy how God works sometimes. I'm still extremely sad.
April's passing is definitely one of those "life changing" situations. Something that is so deep that you can't help but pick the situation apart and figure out what you're supposed to learn from it. And once you learn, you'll never deter from that new way of thinking and living.
I've been struggling with letting go of past experiences and grudges I've been holding on to. Ignoring and neglecting people that hurt me or simply made me angry. I did away with those people not because I didn't love them anymore, but because I couldn't put my selfish pride away and let it go. Love is not an emotion, it's a choice. You don't HAVE to love somebody. Making the decision to choose love should be selfless and unconditional. Petty arguments and disagreements shouldn't change you decision. Mistakes and miscommunication shouldn't change it either. Pick you battles wisely because some things can't be forgotten, but all things can be forgiven. You'd hate to block your blessings because you're holding on to anger!
There's a quote in the book Twelve Pillars that says: "...The greatest gift the Grand Designer gives us is the gift of people. Yes, relationships can be hard, but they are also what the joy of life is made of." To me this means that the better your relationships are with those you love, the more joyful your life will be. So if there's someone you're estranged from that you still love but haven't buried the hatchet with them, do it as quickly as possible. You'll only be more blessed for it. Don't get it twisted, though! There are people that are bad for you and are better out of your life. Treat those people accordingly.
The last time I saw April we were a another sister/friend, Christie's house so that I could do their hair. I did April's hair, But before I go to do Christie's hair there was an altercation that got out of hand. We said things that were hurtful to each other and I stopped speaking to her. The next time I spoke to Christie was the day April passed. I apologized to her that night. I thought to myself, if Christie was the one to go instead of April I would have so much guilt in my heart! I still loved her dearly, I just held on to my anger for no good reason.
So my outlook on life has changed. I prayed for God to help me to release my past. And he did. I'm very grateful! I just wish he didn't have to take someone so dear to get his point across.
Being hurt by someone you love can cut you deep, but life is short, so let it go!

16 & Beaten

Growing up as a black female in the low middle class inner city, I've seen the struggles of black youth. Issues like high school drop outs, teen pregnancy, gang violence, and selling drugs are the most common and visible issues suffered by our teens.
One of the most common but least talked about problems is abusive relationships among black teenagers.
This issue has hit home for me for a long time now. At 16, I had a boyfriend that was physically and mentally abusive. I was so naive that I didn't even realize that I was being abused until it was too late. I have friends that fist fought their boyfriends on a regular basis when we were younger. I have one niece that was beat by age 18 and another who is currently in a relationship that has the early signs of a controlling, mentally abusive relationship.
Last year there was a girl at Jane Addams H.S. that was shot and killed by her boyfriend.
These days, grandparents are in their 30s and kids are raising themselves at 12 and 13 years old. Most young dudes in the streets have learned the "fuck them bitches" or "I don't love them hoes" mentality that causes them to treat good girls like hoes and bitches. Others may have been raised in a home that taught them a distorted idea of how to treat a woman so they treat their girlfriends like a possession instead of a partner. Then there are those like my abuser, who grew up watching their father (figure) beat on their mother so they know no other way.
These young girls usually have been raised in a home without a father and feel deprived of love. They have low self-esteem or some depression. They feel worthless so they look for someone or something to fulfill them. In most cases, they've already engaged in some sort of destructive behavior be it drugs, alcohol, or irresponsible sex by the time they meet their abuser. Some may have already been abused by a parent or family member so, in a crazy way, abuse is what makes them feel loved.
Whatever the circumstances, teen abuse in relationships is an issue that needs some light shed on it so that it can be stopped. So that lives can be saved.
My advice to women of all ages is to look for the signs. If you think your boyfriend is abusive then, more than likely, he is. If he is quick to anger, always has something negative to say about you, or is very possessive of you then he may be an abuser. Maybe not physically, but the possibility of mental abuse is also there.
Always love yourself first. Keep yourself happy so that you know what love feels like. That way a man can't hurt you and claim that it's love.

Emotional Hoarding

I am a reality TV junkie! One of my favorite shows is "Intervention" on the A&E channel. This season they added a show called "Hoarders" to their lineup. On the show they follow people who suffer from compulsive hoarding (or being a severe pack rat). The show usually finds them when the clutter and filth has become so bad that they're facing eviction, fines, or both. As a final effort to keep their home, and organizer and a team of workers is brought in to clean the place up and treat the person for their obsessive compulsive disorder.

After watching the show for the first time I said to myself "I think I'm a hoarder!". Not in the literal sense though. I'm an emotional hoarder. Holding on to past emotions and experiences from as far back as five years old.

I've carried these things with me throughout my life. I collected them like vintage postage stamps and rare coins. I defined myself by my experiences. Growing up watching my father wreck havoc on our family by being an alcoholic, seeing gang fights and shootings, being exposed to sex at a young age, and countless other negative memories are most precious to me. They completely drowned my happy times. Making me a miserable , bitter person who couldn't seem to navigate properly through life.

So now comes the clean up. After about five years I'm finally seeing the light through all the debris. Letting go is hard, but like pimping, it's necessary.

Pride and Inspiration

At 57 years old, my mother decided to go back to school to get her GED. This shocked me! My mom has been through so much in her life. She grew up suffering abuse from my grandmother so she left home at 15 and had my oldest sister at 16. By the time she was 22 years old she had 4 daughters and she was struggling to take care of them on her own.
She went back home to get some help from my grandparents and it backfired on her. Shortly after moving in, the constant arguing and fighting with my grandmother got to be too much for her so she left my sisters there while she got on her feet. Soon after my sisters were adopted by my grandparents.
My mother got a job, found an apartment, and settled down and had me and my brother. She continued to be an important figure in my sisters lives. It was hard because they had been brainwashed for years into thinking that my mother was a horrible person who left them because she didn't love them. My sisters endured the same abuse that my mom, aunts, and uncles did from my grandmother. So once they became teenagers, they left and came back to my mom.
For years my mother and father worked and supported my siblings and I. We weren't rich, but I was never homeless or hungry. I had a great childhood, for the most part and I thank my parents so much for that.
When my grandparents got sick my mother, father, and I moved into their home to take care of them. She put her life on hold to make sure that they were okay even after the hell they put her through for her entire life.
She suffers from heart disease, she still supports my father through his alcoholism, and yet she found the strength to put the peices of her life back together. The pride and inspiration that I feel now seeing her go to class everyday is unexplainable! She's overcome so much in her life but she never gave up. She was never depressed. She was never bitter.
She was only strong and determined to live. My hero!

DISCLAIMER

One thing that I want people to understand is: my journey is my own. Everyone has their own perception of me. Everybody has advice and opinions on how I can be the best I can. If I know you personally, and you're reading this blog, do me a favor before you go any further...

THROW WHATEVER YOU KNOW ABOUT YOU ME OUT THE WINDOW!

I've lived a life filled with fear and low self-esteem for years so I put up a front most of the time. This blog is about honesty. No more hiding behind my insecurities.

Reading my blog with this in mind will help you understatnd where I'm coming from.

Love & Happiness: The Ultimate Choice- Pt. 1

HAPPINESS....

If the best things in life are free, why can some of those things be so hard to attain? Stuff like confidence, peace, love, and happiness.
I went through years of depression and low self-esteem. At the time, I felt that my experiences determined my emotions. My alcoholic father was the blame for my horrible relationships with men. I was too shy to have a lot of friends. I was too fat to be pretty. Other people made me determine my worth. Before I knew what happened, I had become a prisoner of my own mind. My family and friends had been pushed away, my job was gone, and I spent most of my time in my room crying.
The question I asked most was "why me?" Why am I the only one out of everybody I kick it with that can't be happy and have a good time? I was fed up with being depressed all the time. The time had come for a new attitude!
I had no idea how I was going to conquer my depression, I just knew that I had to. I got advice from my friends and family on what they thought would help me. Most of it was general words of encouragement that was nice but not all that helpful. Two of my closest friends finally gave me the inspiration for change that I needed.
The first girl was one that I wanted to be more like. She always seemed to be on top of her game. She always had a job, kept money, nice car, home, and beautiful kids. When she did have down times, she always bounced back quickly, unfazed, and better off than she was. She was outspoken, strong, independent, and confident. Everything I wasn't.
One day I called her and told her about the changes that I was going through. When she started to give me her "two cents", I cut her off and told her that she couldn't really understand what I was going through because she already had what I was trying to get. To my surprise, this offended her.
She told me that she had her own battles to fight in her life and she knew exactly what struggle and pain felt like. People on the outside looking in at her don't know what it took for her to get where she is. She felt like it was unfair for people to judge her based on who they think she is or what they think she got.
I asked what was wrong with people looking at you and seeing a woman with no worries? She said because people try to use you when they think you have a lot. She said that she only let's people see the good her. She could never give anyone the satisfaction of seeing her miserable. Why? Because misery loves company, of course! People feed off of that and they will try to keep you down so that they can feel better. She finished by telling me that we're all blessed and that I should count all of my blessings.
My other friend was one that I envied because of her survival skills. Growing up she endured a drug addict mother. She went from being shy and fat to slim and popular. She also suffered two family tragedies. The last time we spoke she was homeless, unemployed, and pregnant.
This time when we spoke she had a nice place, a good job, and a beautiful daughter. I visited her and over drinks we caught up on what we'd been up to. I praised her on how she managed to always keep it together through all her troubles. She told me that her secret to staying happy was her great ability to pretend. Sure she always seemed okay, but underneath it all, she was a mess sometimes.
She went on to tell me about her failed relationship with her babydaddy and her emotional struggles with motherhood. The only way she knows how to stay sane is to live all her bad days pretending to be happy.
Here were two women with their own problems who somehow managed to live happily. All this time I'd thought in order to be happy your life had to be perfect. There were no bad days. They showed me that happiness was not determined by your circumstances. Happiness is not hard to attain. Being happy is something you choose to be, no matter what's going on in your life. No matter what anybody else thinks.
I looked at my situation and started to list everything that I was grateful for. To my surprise, I had a pretty long list! At that moment I decided to choose happiness. Every time I find myself losing my happiness, I pull out my list and remind myself of the decision I've made. To stay happy no matter what!